Am I a bad mummy?… Let me see, no I am not

Sometimes I wonder am I a bad mummy at times due to all my different illnesses if it is not one flaring up it is another one flaring up on me instead. Being a parent either mum or dad, single or a living together can be tough no matter what but being a parent with a chronic illness or illnesses makes it a bit harder. This last year has been tough on myself and my daughter as it has been one thing after another for both of us.

Alisha just turned three in the middle of April and I have been teaching her small things like mummy needs to go work to earn pennies to get us yummy food or get us pets like Pumpkin and Squeak (we have 2 lovely guinea pigs cheeky just like Alisha but they are amazing with a trouble maker scaring them). This one has taken a while as she still tells me she does not want me to go to work every day I tell her I have to go to work.

I actually have realised in a space of a week my three year old daughter eats more than I do because of my Crohn’s being in mid flare and she has a very large range of words in her vocabulary so I do not want to miss her telling me important things like the other day we went for a walk she told me everything from the yellow sun, pink petals on ground, green tree and a blue sky. If I asked her dad who is not sick or anything just a very lazy person what she goes through with him he cannot even tell me as he is not interested in things like that. It would not care if the house is slightly messy or I am not feeling my best I still sit down and read a story with her, play games with her, take her to the park or for a walk. The little things are all that matters to her and the things that she will remember if I am not here for long. I also work full time, look after a house and a child (well 2 children if you include her dad as he cannot defend for himself but he has been forced to recently as I am fed up being treated like shit as I want out and I cannot do this any longer after doing it for five years I cannot do it with him no more).

The most important things for a child growing up are love, clothes, food and a house to live in. Anything else at that age is an added bonus as I do not know if any other kids are like mine but she would rather play with boxes or books not toys. Don’t get me wrong she loves her teddies and toys but she’s not always liked playing with toys even as a baby it is only recently she has shown an interest in playing with material things unless that is because her dad got her a tablet for her birthday as she always was stealing mine then accidently broken it on me as it fell down the stairs when I was stuck in the bathroom being very poorly one day. The way I am raising my little girl is perfectly normal as I have had a health visitor checking on us very few months to make sure we are doing well and that I do not need any extra support from herself or other medical staff. When she last visited us she did not remember I have been dealing with many different child anxieties like hoovers, showers, hand dryers for a few years and she had told me even with everything going on in my life from working and holding down a full time job, dealing with a useless person who is the father of my child, numerous anxieties with Alisha, looking after a house and garden mostly by myself, looking after myself and numerous illnesses and having a toddler meltdown every so often but every time I manage to overcome the majority of the meltdowns but not all as I usually curl up in a ball and cry then she joins me but it ends up as a distraction method then she’s forgotten her reason for her tantrum.

It has taken me three whole years to tell myself I am an amazing mum after so many different people telling me I should not have had a child as I cannot keep on top of the housework… or I am always too sick to look after her… I am sorry I may not be able to do a lot of things with her some days but for her age she is very smart and caring and understands to an extent mummy cannot always do things with her as mummy is not well… Also I am sorry but my house was spotless before my lovely caring daughter arrived but you know what housework can wait a few extra days them precious moments of a child growing up cannot wait as they are only tiny for a few years them few years fly by a hell of a lot quicker than you think I know that one for a fact. Plus the majority of the people that tell me about the housework do not have kids it can be a nightmare at times as the most of the time I have the house clean Alisha comes along and tips out all her toys all over the living room floor or she pulls all her clothes out of the wardrobe to find one top or trousers or outfit in particular. It does drive me mad especially if I am not feeling well but she is a child, one day she will learn but she is slowly learning she needs to help mummy tidy her mess up as she has to do it in school.

So we go back to my question I ask myself all the time am I a bad mummy? No I am not I am a brilliant mum to have to deal with all this on a daily basis and not have a meltdown myself. I am in a way showing my precious daughter that her mummy was a strong woman and could manage everything even if it was not done on time the most important things that mattered the most were provided for as they were necessities the rest were not it is just a matter of life and daily tasks. My daughter gets food yes check; clothes yes check; and love and affection yes check and a roof over her head to sleep at night yes check. There we go mummy is a good mummy and has never been a bad mummy apart from when mummy is not hungry and does not eat then mummy gets told off like a naughty child by a toddler as she is smart and knows you need to eat to keep up your strength. It might have taken me a while to realise that I am a good mummy to my lovely daughter but from day one when she was born, I have been the best mummy to her that she could have as I always try my best with everything. I give her what she needs on a daily basis and that is the most important thing the rest to her at this age is an added bonus and you know what no matter how I feel she loves me to pieces and that is my reward even if sometimes the loving embraces we have she nearly kills me by tightening her arms around my neck I still love her to pieces and she loves me back.

The reason why I wrote this was mainly because of the judgemental comments I have had over the years regarding Alisha and me being a bad mother to her, from my own family telling me she should be eating her veggies blah, blah, blah, I am sorry but when she was not eating them she was still eating her fruit. When I was growing up my twin sister was never forced to eat her veggies at dinner as mum and dad both knew she hated them, well so does Alisha, I offer them to her if she does not want to eat them so be it they were there on her plate she eats what she wants off her plate. Other things were she needs to go out to baby or toddler groups to interact with other children, I cannot always drop everything as I have hospital appointments, work and many other things to sort out so I cannot always drop everything on the days that the groups she can go to there are times that other things are more important than going baby or toddler groups. So if you are reading this and you are suffering from different illnesses or not suffering from them take a step back and look at the situation yourself and do not let anyone tell you differently if you see yourself as a good parent then believe in yourself you are a good parent build your confidence up in yourself and do not let anyone knock you down.

IBD and is the person you love a keeper?

Every relationship I have been in, a large portion of every one of them we have had to deal with many health issues from passing out with anaemia and being doubled over in pain on the toilet or not being able to walk up or down the stairs without having to crawl up or down them in pain. Most of the guys I have been with have walked out the door or ran out in some cases and never looked back or never got in touch again after they seen the worst I have been with my health.  There are a few things most people look for when they have chronic illnesses and looking for a partner or that very special person. 

1.  They hold your hair back while you have your head in the loo puking your guts up

When you live with chronic illnesses such as Crohn’s disease, you have more than your fair share of puking.  A real man will stand by your side, he will hold your hair back for you and if you happen to miss the toilet he will help clean it up.

2.  They will love you even at your worst moments

Between our periods and the lovely devils tic-tac’s Prednisolone, we can be well… difficult to live with ha-ha.  A real man who you want to stay around, will stand by your side and love you no matter what.  He will understand that behind all the angry faces, fighting, arguing and mood swings that there is a loving and caring creature.  Prednisolone is most definitely not for the faint hearted and if he is a keeper he will look past all that.

3.  They think you are beautiful even when you are really sick or have loads of scars

Living with a chronic illness makes you feel ugly (well it makes me feel ugly for definite).  You look at yourself in the mirror, or you have a moon face from taking steroids, or you have an extra bit of weight due to the steroids, or you have lost a lot of weight due to a flare with your Crohn’s disease.  Whatever the case may be having an illness or multiple illnesses does not make you feel like a beauty queen.  Scars, hair loss, the pale complexion… if he does not see your true beauty, he is not worth keeping.  A real man will remind you frequently of how beautiful you are then he is definitely a keeper.

4.  They will yell at the doctors for you instead

There are hundreds of doctors out there.  If you have been suffering for any length of time with an inflammatory bowel disease, you will know there are also a lot of bad doctors out there.  Sometimes you just do not want to deal with it… either because you are too sick to voice your opinions or you are too tired to put up a fight.  In those moment you would want a man who will take up the sword and put up a fight and help fight your battles for you.  If he loves you the way he says he does he will fight for you until the best possible care is found.  If he shows any signs of being a hero then he is most definitely a keeper.

5.  They will stand by your side when everyone else does a runner

I have dated a few guys in my time, yes I know I am still young.  Most of them had ducked at the first sight of a sniffle.  To be honest, most guys who do that are most definitely not that into you in the first place.  But you really do not want a man like that anyway as he would run away eventually. You need a man who loves you no matter what the future will hold.  You want a man who is willing to ask for your hand in marriage or stick with you no matter what happens even if you are diagnosed with an incurable illness or diagnosed with secondary illnesses with your IBD.  You will need a man who will stick with you for better or worse.  You need a man who will love you come what may and you deserve that.  A man who lives up to the vow “in sickness and in health” will be the man who is a keeper even if he is not married to you as long as he stick with you through every up and every down in your life that is what matters the most.

To anyone who has had a man scorn at you because you are too sick due to your illnesses.  REMEMBER you are still very valuable.  The man who runs away at the slightest sign of trouble is not worth your time.  You want a man who will love you and respect you with every ounce of his being.  Ladies you are worth it.  DO NOT ever settle for, or get hung up on, any man who makes you feel like you are not worth his time.  If he gets on like he does not care about your health or wellbeing then he is not worth any second crying over if you split up or he eventually does a runner on you when you are at your lowest or the worst time of flare up and end up being admitted into the hospital.  Apart from running away and leaving you to cope on your own being sick, manipulating and controlling relationships are definitely not good either.  They are not good especially when he manipulates everything you say and tries to make it look like you are actually not sick or tries to make himself look like he is more ill than you are for example, you have a flare up with your IBD and he is suffering from man flu, instead of him helping you out he makes it look like he is needing you to lift and lay everything for him especially when you are unable to move out of bed yourself apart from just about getting up and out of bed to get to the toilet in time before being sick.  If you have someone like that he is most definitely not a keeper.

The Diagnosis....

Just before March 2013 all I could stomach was soups, liquids and Super Noodles. Just before I went home for a week I had went to the doctors as I was not feeling well, this time it was a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI) but they thought it was so bad that it was near my kidneys. So I was put on a course of antibiotics. When I went home to see my family and friends during the first week of March all I got was are you eating properly or are you taking laxatives. The answer was no to both.

My food for the majority of 6months before my diagnosis.

I had lost just under 4 stone at the time. When I came back I still had the UTI but was feeling dizzy and faint. Within a space of two weeks I had visited the Accident and Emergency 3 times. The first time I was put on a fluid drip and send home with yet more antibiotics. The second time I was hooked up to an ECG machine and sent home with nothing but told to rest up and take it easy. On the third time it was a student doctor that had said that I was at all not well and should not be sent home like the previous times, as I had hardly any strength to even stand up on my own and I was being sick.

At this stage I had lost just under 4.5 stone and the student doctor said either ulcerative colitis or Crohn's disease. I am glad he was there that day or I would probably have still not been diagnosed or either no longer here as I had been getting heart palpitations and he had said it was a sign my body was either shutting down or could not cope no more with the rapid weight loss. The third time of being in A&E I was transferred up to the Acute Medical short stay ward. In the morning I was moved to the Acute Medical Ward for Gastro and Liver care as there was a bed free for me.

In the Gastro and Liver ward I was poked and prodded for 4 weeks. Within the first two weeks I had lost more weight just bringing it to just under 5 stone in total. My consultant and his junior doctors had helped to gather all the information from me and came to a conclusion it was more like Crohn's disease than ulcerative colitis. The only reason which lead to make their decision was the numerous blood tests they had done and all of them showed different vitamin and mineral deficiencies. I was put on a number of different IV drips to boost my vitamins and minerals which I was deficient in. During my stay in the hospital I had a number of tests done to try and see what was wrong with me such as, ultrasound of my liver, kidneys and stomach, endoscopy, colonoscopy and MRI.

My home for just over 4weeks.

For the Ultrasound I was not allowed to eat anything for 6hours before the scan so, they could get a better picture of what was going on. The endoscopy, colonoscopy and MRI I had to drink a disgusting laxative which had made me sick. But because I could not keep it down they had it changed to another one which went down a bit easier but closer to the test times I was really sick so they had to give me fluid through a drip and a paracetamol drip as I was in so much pain.

When they were carrying out the endoscopy they could only find mouth ulcers and ulcers at the back of my throat which was what was causing it painful to swallow anything. In the colonoscopy they had found a lot of ulceration and inflammation in my large bowel. But the consultant said where I was getting my pain in my stomach would not be caused by where they found the Crohn's disease so he ordered a MRI scan to see if it was in my small bowel. After these procedures he had said it was definitely Crohn's disease but he wanted to see how far it had spread. He had also said something about getting put on a drip when I returned to the ward but I was not paying much attention as I had been heavily sedated and was drifting in and out. I cannot even remember getting back into my bed on the ward but I was told that I was helped back into bed as I was near enough fast asleep. I was woken up to be told my dinner had arrived but I fell back to sleep as the sedation had not worn off by that time. It was near midnight I had woken up again but because I was slightly hungry and extremely weak so, I asked for some toast and butter and Lucozade. One of the nurses actually went to the canteen to get me the Lucozade as I could just about make it to the toilet without any assistance so, they did not want to risk letting me go on my own to the canteen. Once I got some food into me I felt a bit better. The next morning I was put on antibiotic and steroid drips for 4days. On the fourth day the plaster over the cannula made my skin come out in an allergic rash so, the nurse asked the doctor could it be taken out and be put on my course of tablet antibiotics and steroids a day early. Thankfully they said yes cause no matter who puts the cannulas in makes me come out in massive bruises. I had also been started on azathioprine as well at 100mg as the dosage goes by the weight of the patient. Also my consultant was unsure of whether or not to start me on humira but would make the definite decision when he got the results back from the MRI scan.
 
A week after my endoscopy and colonoscopy procedures I got disturbed eating my breakfast which I had stolen off the breakfast cart before they started doing the rounds at 8.15am, I was rushed down to the MRI scan. It was a complete waste of time eating my breakfast as I was given more of the disgusting laxatives which I was to drink within an hour before my slot. A few days later I was told that the Crohn's had not yet spread to the small bowel. This was a good thing as he had decided not to start the humira just yet.

When it all started

This is the story of how I found out that I had Crohn’s Disease. An estimated 250,000 people in the United Kingdom alone share a similar story to me. So why haven’t more people heard of Inflammatory Bowel Disease? Well, it’s not always easy to talk about toilet problems. It can be an extremely awkward topic to approach. However, spreading awareness could one day find a cure!
 
Crohn’s can be extremely tricky to diagnose, especially when symptoms first appear as they can be pretty mild. Like many people who suffer from an IBD, it was only after a multiple doctors’ appointments, misdiagnoses and many A&E trips that I finally got diagnosed in April 2013. Unfortunately, things went extremely downhill within a space of five months and I am lucky enough to be still alive today. By the way this will be quite long, so please be patient as it is about 10 years’ worth of important information going into this.

How it all began....

It all started when I was in my early teens, I was around 12 years old at the time and I had started bleeding so, I told my mum and she thought I had started my monthly cycles. So, mum explained everything and showed me what all I had to do etc. and left me to it. Looking back now it was not the cause, I was under stress at school due to being bullied from near enough day 1 of secondary school due to the fact that I was slightly plump at that time and for being smart.

Then as time went on I just did not feel like myself so, I was in and out of seeing my GP for blood tests for numerous things. The most common thing that they had found was deficiencies especially my iron, so they kept putting it down to anaemia. The doctors back then had always put it down to my monthly cycles to decrease the iron levels to where they were, so I was constantly given iron supplements until my diagnosis. Back then I had similar symptoms to Crohn's Disease but mainly pointed at the anaemia, such as; lack of energy, fatigue, pale complexion and hair loss, this was why they overlooked the Crohn's.

It was when I was 14/15 years old I kept coming down with a stomach bug every couple of weeks during the school holidays and my mum did not think anything different as most of my family had similar illnesses at the time. However, I was in more pain than what they were all in. Around this time, I was also told I had depression and a deficiency in my B vitamins. One doctor told me to think positively in school and ignore the bullies as the stress had lowered my B vitamin levels and told me to take supplements, which was of no use as things got worse in school and I could not cope with the bullying any more. So, back to the doctors I went again as my mum took me back as I was not my usual self and she thought my iron levels had dropped again, which they had but instead of coming out with just supplements, I was prescribed anti-depressants as well. The anti-depressants was only prescribed at this age due to me trying all other methods of help first i.e. counselling.

During the summer holidays when I was 16 years old, I got lumps all over my legs, that looked similar to insect bites but, with no bite marks, and changed in a ray of colours over a space of approximately 2-4weeks starting off at red, purple, blue, black, yellow and then green. The pharmacist had said they were insect bites and told me to go see my GP for a special cream to stop me from scratching at them as they were extremely itchy at the time. These lumps kept appearing and disappearing right up to my diagnoses every 4-6months. I had other symptoms such as, fatigue, lack of energy, appetite, slight weight loss and frequent but urgent running to the toilet. This was all put down to an allergic reaction to the insect bites and the extremely hot weather.

My legs looked something similar to this when I was told it was insect bites.

At this time, I had just started my first ever job with the company I still happen to be working for today and awaiting my GCSE results. Why I was panicking over my results back then I do not know as I had worked extremely hard for all of my 8 subjects and got all good grades.

When I started Sixth form things got worse as I continued with the loss of appetite, fatigue and weight loss. It got that bad my mum physically dragged me to the doctors and they put it down to stress of my A-Levels and anaemia. So, out I can with yet more iron supplements. Things still stayed the same for the 2 years of Sixth form and the doctors could not find out what the cause of my anaemia was.

My lovely iron tablets looked like this but it was an endless pile.

Also the lumps had reappeared and they were so bad, luckily at the time I had a broken tail bone and was allowed to wear my school tracksuit bottoms instead of my skirt and tights as anything rubbing up against my skin had me screaming in pain. So, my doctor had tested me for all the allergies possible without seeing an allergy specialist and all had come back clear apart from the lactose intolerance which I had known from when I was a child, so they ruled out pet and animal allergies, food allergies and coeliac disease. Back to square one again which was what the doctor had said.

Once starting University in 2010, everything had settled for a while, which I was relieved as I was near breaking point due to all the supplements after supplements and also being attacked by the vampires who came after endless blood samples. But as time went on and second year of the degree started everything started again, lumps, loss of appetite, extreme fatigue and some more weight loss. My mum put it down to the stress of finding a placement for third year, which was extremely hard to find a decent business in hospitality where I lived in the recession as most places were closing their doors as they could not afford to stay open. Thankfully my manager at the time had agreed to take me on under her wing to train me up as a decent hospitality manager. It was about a quarter of the way through the year that I had started to notice my symptoms getting worse and everyone was saying it was because I was working too hard in the gym, not eating enough or being in work too much (this last one was what my mum kept saying). But what they did not know was that it was not any of these that was causing the problem, but it was the start of a massive flare up with the Crohn's Disease.

In August 2012, I had a bad cough for about 3 weeks so, I went to see the doctor and he was not my normal doctor so, he thought it was my asthma playing up and said if it was still there in a week to come back again. A week later I had went back with the same problem and was given a dose of antibiotics. That did not clear it up so 3 more doses was given after the first and it eventually cleared it up. With the constant use of the antibiotics over a month my symptoms got slightly worse.

At the end of October, my Area Manager had come to see everyone in my unit saying that there was an important staff meeting  and everyone must attend. That was when we all got the bad news that the unit was closing down. We were all given the choice to transfer to another unit in England but, most of the staff had families all set up and did not wish to leave. Due to my placement terms I had to look for another place as soon as possible to finish my year and I had only done 5 months in that unit. I had started looking elsewhere but everywhere had said not a chance. So, I contacted my Area Manager and asked could I apply for the position in Manchester. I had to go through the whole procedure again of the interview etc. which did not help one bit as I was told differently on the day we were told my unit was no longer trading. It had took 3 weeks to get an interview and everything sorted out in Manchester and I had started to deteriorate even more.
 
By the time I had set myself up in Manchester and left my family behind near 300miles away I had lost a stone and a bit. I was sleeping most of the day, rarely eating, was severely anaemic, drinking gallons of anything but mainly energy drinks like Lucozade and also mochas. When I had been eating, I only ate soups, bread, pasta, cereal and Super Noodles, this was all I could stomach as the thought of everything else made me feel extremely sick. In December, my right eye had become all blood shot and felt like someone had grabbed it and tried to squeeze it. I had to go to the Emergency eye Clinic at the hospital and it was episcleritis.