I am sorry for being a bad friend

Since I have started being honest to myself and the people close to me about my mental health, I have noticed a few things change within relationships - these changes are mostly for the better.

Apart from losing a few friends here and there along the way, there is definitely more trust between us.  We are able to talk about bigger things.  Things that are weighing us down.  Now I have been opening up about things the ones I love they are starting to open up to me too. 

This progress has made me think I have spent being more of a not the best friend in the world when I was not opening up about certain things I was dealing with (depression, anxiety, my image before I lost weight, panic attacks, my Crohn's disease and pain which has finally been diagnosed as Fibromyalgia).  I should have realised you were also struggling too but I was too busy hiding my issues from you. 

I want to say sorry for not being there when you needed me the most.

I am sorry for all the times I did not reply back to you messages just because I sat there over thinking my response and then ignored you completely. 

I am sorry I ignored your calls maybe because I was scared to reveal I might have still been sleeping until gone lunchtime as I made the most of Alisha not sleeping at night and then sleeping in till nearly lunchtime but I cannot use that excuse no more as she goes to bed at night sleeps through and gets up between 6.30-8.30am. 

I am sorry I backed out of plans at the last minute or not going at all even if I do get ready and then I have an anxiety attack and then I do not want to go outside my house at all. 

I am sorry for lying and covering things up like pretending to have commitments when I actually did not as I was too scared to leave the house or just was not in the mood to see anyone. 

I am sorry for letting things get to me to the point you have to see me having a mental breakdown.  I really appreciate that you are there for me I am thankful you stay by me and support me through everything.

Some other stuff I don’t feel proud of:

All the times I pushed you away because I did not want you to notice that I was not being myself (especially recently as I am scared what I am going through will end up scaring you away). The times I got angry for no reason and decided the easiest option was to cut you out of my life instead of letting you in.

The moments I was not 100% listening to our conversations, when my attention wandered as you told me what’s been going on with you because I was too busy thinking about what a rubbish person I have been and obsessing over massive mess ups especially in our friendship.

The times I let myself drift because I did not feel like I could keep up with the rest of you, going out, going to the gym, hanging out together.

Ashamed that the simplest things suddenly felt impossible especially getting up every morning.  That my brain wasn’t a safe place for me to be anymore, that I was scared of turned on light switches, open doors, footsteps behind me and just wanting to run away from everything and hiding as it seems to be the easiest option than to deal with the shit going on in my head. 

I am sorry for doubting that you would understand me. I am sorry that my brain told me I could not trust you or rely on you, that telling you would what was happening would be a mistake.  Do not worry I have done this with everyone not just family and friends. 

That is the thing about depression, anxiety and living with chronic illnesses – it becomes your biggest secret and your closest friend, and pushes everyone and everything else away in the process.

Depression hides the person people know and love. It makes you irritable, withdrawn, and suddenly uninterested in all the things you used to get excited about.  Anxiety is the same but you are scared of letting anyone in to help or go out and enjoy yourself.

It tells you that you do not deserve friends and loved ones (people like you one in a million and everyone would be crazy not to have you in their lives), and makes you believe that if you were to tell anyone your thoughts, they would recoil in horror especially the majority of thoughts that goes around in my head on a daily basis.

That is why actually trying to open up and be honest – which is a big part of being a good friend, if you did not know – feels so bloody scary.

You are scared that they will reject you for the way you are. That they will say something pushes you over the edge.

Trusting someone with your biggest and heaviest secrets gives them power: to hurt you or help you get better.  This is what I am scared of the most as I have had people doing this before to me and then using it to their advantage to manipulate things.  I am scared of it happening again with people I love and trust the most especially my closest of friends. 

To avoid that, I have pushed people away and I still do it to this day.  To be honest I have not done it as much recently as I know I have a select few friends and I know they are sensitive like me and I love them more than anyone in the world about from Alisha she will always be my number one person (sorry) as she has been there to dry up all my tears when I hide at home away from everyone on my bad days with my depression and anxiety.  Yes I know I need to stop letting her see that but at home I do not have anyone asking questions into why I am angry, why I am sad etc. etc. 

I became a good actress and a good liar of my feelings. I said I was fine, that something had come up when you asked to spend time together, I made sure to stick to ‘safe’ topics when we talked so I would not let things slip.  Now I have got to the point you all know that I am acting or I am lying so I just lock everything up and lock it all away until I am behind closed doors. 

I was not a good friend because I was not being myself. I was not letting people in.  It has always been like that and I need to stop it as it is pushing you all away again and now more than ever I need my friends there to support me.  It is time I stopped lying to everyone and most of all myself about things. 

And I an extremely sorry about that, because it wrecked a lot of friendships, made me miss out on years of great talks with my mum, my dad and the rest of my family who I love dearly who I kept them all at a distance so they would not figure out what was going on in my head, and held me back from making connections with new people.

I’m working on that now, I promise I am, I am just taking longer to do it.

I am learning that the people I care about care about me, too even though I am still struggling doing this I just need you to work alongside me and help me along this path. I know no one will hate me just because I’m sad, or judge me for being scared – they just care that I am ok and not acting on any of my dark thoughts that goes on in my mind. 

I am slowly working on trusting people (it has taken a lot of time to get where I am now as there was a point that I did not trust anyone apart from myself). I am working on listening to the people I love instead of the negative voice in my head that tells me everyone hates me and I am generally shit at everything from being a bad parent, being a useless person and most of all being the worst friend on this entire planet. 

I know it is ok to need a little help from the people in my life to get through a time that is not all that great like the moment.  It was the third father's day yesterday without my dad. The last two I struggled to get through the day but this year I somehow managed to have a breakdown the day afterwards due to letting everything get to me and everything I mean everything and then not letting anyone in at all to help then the slightest thing sets me off then I get even worse then take it out on someone I love.  I am sorry if I have taken one of my attacks out on you.  Please forgive me even if I constantly do it, I just need you to be there to help me get through the difficult times even if it means having to actually give me a slap around the face or a kick up the arse every time it happens. 

The people I want in my life are not the ones who would ditch me when things get tough. They are the ones that are there to listen when I need it, who know, now, that they can open up to me too, and they are the ones that help me to stay sane every day – more than they know.  They are the ones I need the most to get through each day as it comes, to put a smile on my face when I struggle to put even a fake one on in the morning and to make me laugh at things again.  It is you who I appreciate the most even if I do not show it often enough that I do love you to the moon and back. 

I think I am now done with the all the apologies – although I am sure there are more to come with further unanswered texts and ditched plans – I want to say thank you.

Thank you to the people who have stuck with me when I have not been the best friend in return. Thank you for being through thick and thin.  Thank you for listening. Thank you for caring.  Thank you for being there when I need you the most.  Thank you I really do appreciate it and that is the god's honest truth.  I love you and I do hate hurting you when I do not actually mean to and I am sorry for doing it I really do not mean to hurt you.  I know we will have to work through things together but I am scared of losing you or you using it against me in the future.